A Day at the Tournament

This is Part IX. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales tournament humpty Dumpty has the best seat at the tournament. He sits next to a beautiful but terrified young woman. They sit amongst the Lords and Ladies.

In the other parts of the stands, the peasants really enjoy themselves. Poor, scraggly, sunburned, and missing teeth, they look forward to this day more than any other.

There are two fields, one for jousting and one for sword fighting. Two jousters practice their gallops in one field and in the other, multiple armored men practice their sword swings and footwork.

“What a fight!,” the announcer shouts into a wooden bullhorn looking device. “Next up, we have a former champion versus a stranger. Please welcome back Sir Edward!”

Some of the crowd cheers wildly.

“And visiting all the way from the Kingdom of Castille, please welcome Don Jew-ann!”

“Don Juan,” Don Juan corrects.

“Don Juan!,” the announcer shouts.

The crowd gives a sympathetic clap.

Edward and Don Juan bow to each other and the fight begins. Edward attempts to circle Don Juan, but Don Juan heads straight for him, doing some fancy solo sword work. Edward slices but Don Juan blocks it and immediately pounds him with his sword. Edward falls to the ground within seconds.

Edward’s armor protects him from serious injury. Had Don Juan’s sword been sharpened and Don Juan been in a real fight situation instead of a tournament, it would have been obvious Don Juan would have taken Edward’s life before you could count to five.

“Let’s hear it for Don Juan!”

The crowd roars as they’ve never seen a stranger come in and dominate a previous champion like that. The musicians play Medieval music between fights and Don Juan quickly rises to the top of the board with each fight.

Each fight goes almost exactly the same. Don Juan goes straight for his opponent and either knocks his sword away or knocks him to the ground within seconds.

By the end of the tournament, Don Juan stands on the first place pew, above his second and the third place opponents. A beautiful young Lady awards medals around their necks with Don Juan getting the nicest one. As Don Juan looks into an audience, the crowd goes wild and one enthusiastic fan flashes her breasts.

Continue with Part X of Humpty Dumpty here

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Angelo the Scribe

This is Part VIII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green in those days, things were a lot simpler. However, most people couldn’t read or write.

It wasn’t a sign of stupidity. Rather, wealth.

Angelo wasn’t the smartest kid. But he came from the right family. Thus, he learned to read and write and got a job doing just that.

Now, Angelo sits in his tent writing names of contestants. The wizard appears behind him in a cloud of smoke.

“You forgot one contestant,” the wizard suggests into Angelo’s ear. “Write down Don Juan as a sword fighter.”

Without looking back, Angelo does exactly as the wizard orders.

“Very good boy, Angelo. Now, give Humpty Dumpty the best seat in the spectator’s box. Make sure he watches Don Juan fight.”

Angelo grabs another sheet of parchment that arranges where the Lords and Ladies sit. He scratches out another name in the front row and replaces it with Humpty Dumpty.

“You will forget I came to you tonight.” The wizard disappears in another puff of smoke.

Angelo keeps working as if nothing strange happened.

Part IX of Humpty Dumpty is here

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The Wizard’s Hut

This is Part VII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green the stranger looks around the hut. From the outside, it didn’t look like much. But from the inside, a little bit more impressive. Still, the stranger expected something a little bit more from a wizard.

“Can you ride?,” the wizard asks the stranger.

“Of course. Very well in fact.”

The wizard counts the money. “It’s not that much. Is that all they managed to gather?”

“They do not have much. Nor do I.”

“Didn’t you make any money while you were out crusading?”

“I am an honest man.”

“Oh, one of those,” the wizard shoots back.

The stranger gives the wizard a strange look.

“We don’t have enough to joust,” the wizard explains. “I cannot get you both armor and a horse. You do have enough for cheap armor. I know a blacksmith. I’ll work my magic to make it look a bit better, but whatever you do, do not take any blows.”


“Because this cheap armor won’t protect you from a strong blow.”


“But do not fear, my new friend. You have experience. None of these young lads have seen real battle. We land you a good sword and you should make fools of all of them. Now come.”

The wizard leads the stranger into another room. It’s dark, dirty, and full of cobwebs, which reiterates the stranger’s doubts.

He leads the stranger to a cauldron and waves his hand over the water one time. Humpty Dumpty appears sitting in the tower of his castle with his legs over the wall.

“Strange,” the wizard finally says. “He does this a lot nowadays. I don’t know why. He didn’t do this a month ago.”

“He appears to be in deep thought.”

“Oh really. I would have never thought that.”

The stranger gives the wizard another weird look. He’s not used to sarcasm.

“But fear not,” the wizard says. “I know the guy who runs the events. They didn’t breed this guy for intelligence.”

The wizard continues. “I’ll give him a suggestion, a simple charm. I need to give you a name. How about Don Juan? Yes, you look like a Don Juan. I like that. I made it up myself. I’ll tell him you’re a visiting Noble. We clean you up. Shave you. You already got an accent. That’s good. Nobody ever doubts people with accents. They get the babes too. Lucky son of a b-”

“All right! I got an accent and I look like a Noble. Can we please get started on this?”

Keep reading – Humpty Dumpty Part VIII

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A Stranger walks into town

This is Part VI. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green a tall, dark stranger walks into the tavern. He stands a head taller than any of the town folk, with a dark brown beard protruding from a thin but strong chin. He sits alone at a table in the back where he can see the entire room.

The bar wench approaches the stranger, puts his hand on his back, and whispers something in his ear.

“Your dinner, and your finest ale, please, my Lady,” he says in an exotic accent.

The bar wench smiles at being called a Lady, and struts with a new found confidence as she disappears into the kitchen.

“It is him,” Nathan whispers to his friend, motioning to the stranger in the back.


“Yes, the man!” Nathan leaves his friend and stumbles over to the stranger’s table. The stranger initially makes a defensive move, but tones down immediately as he realizes this peasant is in no way a threat.

“I am Nathan,” he nervously says as he seats himself. “You’re, you’re looking for a woman.”

“Yes, Nathan,” the stranger replies. “I’m looking for my wife.”

“Our Lord, Sir. Our Lord. He…he steals women. He has your wife. She has brown hair?”

“Yes, Nathan. How did you know?”

“He has her. But…but you will not be able to get-”

“That castle?,” the Stranger asks as he grabs Nathan by the shirt and pulls him close.

“Yes. Yes, Sir. But you can not-”

“I can. Tell me how to get inside.”

“Oh no. He won’t just let a stranger in. You must win his trust.”

Nathan’s friend comes over to the table. “Yes Sir. We can get you inside. Is it true you fought in the Crusades?”

“Yes,” the stranger replies, “but-”

“Then Sir,” Nathan explains, “you…you will be better than-”

“Better than whom?”

Nathan’s friend answers excitingly. “Humpty Dumpty loves the games! He lets the winners dine with him. You win, you dine with him. In his castle.”

“What kind of games?”

“Joust. Or sword fighting. We have them both.” Nathan’s friend pauses. “But you have to be a Noble to play. They don’t let peasants play. They don’t let peasants bear arms.”

“A Noble?”

“No one else knows you. You are tall and clean, like a Noble. You can read too, no?”


Nathan hands the stranger a coin purse. “This is all we have. We know an old retired magician. He will know what to do.”


“Well, he’s not a great one. But he knows…he knows a lot of stuff. Please Sir. It’s all we have. All we ask is you kill him after you get your wife back.”

The stranger smiles. “You didn’t even have to ask.”

Click here for Part VII of Humpty Dumpty

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Alicia’s Dance

This is Part V. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

Opium Tales Humpty Dumpty Alicia enters Humpty Dumpty’s room, wearing a lovely, exotic mostly black outfit. She enters barefoot with a mischievous smile, dancing while Humpty Dumpty lies on his bed.

She throws off a shawl. As his eyes briefly look at the shawl, she drinks the vial like a shot of liquor. She swallows it down quickly and goes back into the dance.

She moves closer to him and peels off her top, revealing her bouncing breasts and continues dancing, staring him in the eyes as she faces him and smiles.

Humpty Dumpty stares lustingly at her full, perfectly shaped breasts, then up directly into her eyes. His heart starts to race, as she is the one he desires the most. She is tall, dark, and thin, yet with perfect curves. A painter’s absolute dream. She’d make a perfect muse.

Alicia smiles once more as she drops her skirt, now completely naked except for a golden bracelet on her left ankle. She hops right onto his bed and collapses dead on him with a smile on her face.

Part VI of Humpty Dumpty continues here

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Humpty’s Harem

This is Part IV. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

Opium Tales Humpty Dumpty Eight scantily-clad and beautiful but unhappy women are doing their hair and talking. They seem to get along, sharing the same misery.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” Alicia whispers to the Redhead.

“I never wanted to-”

“No. I mean-” Alicia stops, unable to finish what she’s about to say.

The Redhead notices a tear drop falling down Alicia’s face and wipes it away.

“I understand what you mean,” the Redhead replies sadly. She walks over to her drawer. Alicia follows her. The Redhead digs through her clothes and reaches deep down and pulls out a small vial. “I was going to use this myself, but never had the courage.”

“Thank you,” Alicia says as she looks deeply in her eyes. Alicia kisses the Redhead on the cheek and they embrace deeply.

“How long will it take?,” Alicia asks.

“One minute. The man said it won’t hurt, that, I would just collapse and it will be all over.”

Tears fall from Alicia’s lovely face.

“Oh, don’t cry dearie. Don’t let him see you cry.” The Redhead pauses. “Hurt him. Hurt him like he hurt us. Lead him on, and then take it and it will be over.”

“Thank you.”

Part V of Humpty Dumpty is here

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The naive King

This is Part III. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

Opium Tales The good King and his men ride their horses outside the castle and visit the peasantry. The peasants cheer him on, throwing confetti and smiling as he passes. As he turns his head in their directions, they smile and bow.

He waves in a matter most appreciative, sitting tall on his horse. A lovely young lady runs in front of his horse and throws flowers in front. He smiles directly at her and she bows meekly and blushes.

The good King tries to tour the Kingdom at least once a year. He genuinely loves his people.

He comes to the Humpty Dumpty’s fief and gets off his horse, walking his horse so he can be more on the same level as the peasants.

“Fine day young man,” the good King says to a random peasant.

“Fine day Your Majesty,” the peasant retorts, without making eye contact.

“How are you?”

“Couldn’t be better, Your Majesty?,” the frightened peasant replies.

“Couldn’t be better,” the King says under his breath, oblivious to the peasant’s nervousness. “What a fine Lord Humpty Dumpty must be.”

“I have heard the same, Your Majesty,” says one of the King’s men, with the same naivety as the King.

Pleased with himself, the good King remounts his horse. The King’s men do the same. Once more, he takes one more look around the village. The villagers all feign their best faces. The King and his men couldn’t possibly be more oblivious.

His Majesty rides off back to his castle with a pride and swagger about him. He regards Humpty Dumpty as one of his best Lords, as he’s yet to hear a complaint about him.

Part IV of Humpty Dumpty is here

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A most brutal tax collector

This is Part II. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here.

opium tales t3he peasants have already finished their labor for the day and gather in the town square. Tired after a long day’s work, they make the best of their miserable lives until the steel reinforced carriage arrives with the deservedly hated tax collector.

Humpty Dumpty, a rather large and brutish bald man, drags out of the carriage. “Don’t you ever look me in the eye!,” he shouts at one peasant as he slaps him across the face with his leather gloved hand. The peasant’s face turns red as his eyes water, but he dares not say a word in protest.

Humpty Dumpty, the tax collector, walks up to another peasant. “Do you have my taxes?”

Without speaking, the other peasant hands over Humpty Dumpty some coins.

“What do you call this? Do you want to insult his Royal Majesty?”

“No my Lord.”

“Then pay what you owe.”

“This is all we have Sir.”

Humpty Dumpty’s face turns into a grin then a wicked smirk. “Your daughter.”

“But she is just a child!”

“She is ready.”

The peasant who got slapped earlier screams “No!” and runs forward to take a swipe with a rake at the tax collector. Humpty Dumpty’s driver moves forward to intercept the peasant, but Humpty Dumpty pushes his driver aside with one hand and grabs the rake with his other hand.

Then Humpty Dumpty whips out his sword and cuts off both of the peasants hands. Without pause, Humpty Dumpty grabs the torch from his driver and chartreuses the wounds.

He takes a few steps back and makes eye contact with everyone in the square. Loudly, he boasts “let this be a lesson to anyone who wants a piece of me.”

No one dares to confront him. No one dares to make eye contact. They all look defeated in his general direction.

Humpty Dumpty storms into a peasant’s home and pulls out a frightened teenage girl. The girl’s father wets his pants, but dares not step forward. He will cry profusely later on that night.

The driver picks up the torch from the ground with a disgusted look and puts it back on the carriage. He waits for his Lord to step inside with the girl, grabs the reins, and drives off.

Continue to part III – The Naive King

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Humpty Dumpty

This is Part I of Humpty Dumpty. If you’re interested in the background, you can read about it here.

opium tales a little peasant girl sits with her legs crossed in the dirt, playing with an egg. She extends her index finger and rubs it into the damp dirt, then paints a smiley face on the egg.

“Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,” she says with her little child voice. “Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.”

She breaks the egg in the dirt and the yellow yolk spills out, spreading amongst a gooey clear liquid.

“All the King’s horses and all the King’s men. Couldn’t put Humpty together again.”

An ancient man with one gray eye interrupts the little girl. “Humpty Dumpty wasn’t an egg!” She frighteningly looks up. “He was a monster!”

Continue to Part II – A Most Brutal Tax Collector

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Humpty Dumpty introduction

It’s funny. I wrote my pilot episode for a TV program we were going to self-produce all the way back in 2006. Things happened and we never got the funding. I didn’t want to sell it because I wanted to retain control.

Plus, a lot of people don’t realize this – TV writers don’t make shit! At the time, they made a whopping $5000 an episode. The actors make significantly more and the ones who really make out big time? The producers. Thus, I’m co-producer or nothing. I’m not selling.

So I have yet another idea. I’m not going to exactly write the pilot episode as a book. It’s already written as a television script.

However, I’m still going to write parts of it as a short story with a few modifications. So when the television pilot actually comes out, expect a few changes. I’m always changing my songs/concepts anyways before they actually get published.

I want the short story and the TV script to be similar entities, but not exactly the same. Make sense? Well, probably not.

Don’t worry. It will all make sense. Give it a read as I’ll write it to flow.

Not tonight though. I’m on my way to a wedding. I’ll get back Sunday night and will at least finish Part I then.

And if you’re wondering – Humpty Dumpty the nursery rhyme? Why would anyone write a TV script to that?

I’ll tell you why. Because I’m a pretty fucking good writer and I’ll prove it shortly. You’re going to want to read this!

Opium Tales - Humpty Dumpty

Opium Tales – Humpty Dumpty

Begin reading Humpty Dumpty

(Image taken from John Tenniel’s drawings)

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