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All the King’s Horses

This is Part XIV, the final chapter of Humpty Dumpty. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales several soldiers attempt to clean up what’s left of Humpty Dumpty’s body, but throw up whenever they get close.

“We’ve got to get him up, men!,” their leader shouts. “Before His Majesty gets here. We’ve got to bury him.”

Only his head and neck are intact. Guts dangle from what’s left of his midsection and worms crawl in and out. The grossly obese body is in pieces. The soldiers hold their noses, but still can’t get close enough to get past the stench and clean it up.

The ancient man continues his story to the little girl. “And all the King’s horses and all the King’s men, couldn’t put Humpty together again. Some say they just let the flies, and rats, and the vultures eat what was left of him.”

The little girl’s father storms out of his cottage. “Bah! Get out of here you crazy old man with your crazy old lies!”

The ancient man turns around and leaves. In another cottage, the peasant with no hands, although considerably older, looks out the window and wipes a tear from his eye.

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“Who has come to kill me?”

This is Part XIII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

Opium Tales Battle Don Juan walks by Humpty Dumpty’s door but a guard sentinels the entrance. Don Juan pretends he forgot something and turns around forgetfully, then lunges quickly at the guard and slits his throat.

He catches his body before it falls to the ground and puts it down quietly. Then he sneaks into Humpty Dumpty’s room.

Humpty Dumpty has his back turned. “So, who has come to kill me?”

“It is I,” Don Juan answers.

“Don Juan? I did not expect you. Did my women not please you?”

“Alicia was my wife.”

“Oh.”

Don Juan whips out a bloody short sword. “I’ll give you five minutes to ask God for forgiveness.”

Humpty Dumpty finally turns around. “I don’t need forgiveness.”

“One last chance.”

Humpty Dumpty stares hard at Don Juan, then walks over to the sword on the wall and takes it down. He looks at it, swings it around a few times, then turns and faces Don Juan. “You were quite impressive. But those were mere mortals. If anyone needs to make peace with God before he dies, it’s you, my friend.”

Humpty Dumpty does some fancy solo sword work, then attacks first. In only three attacks, Don Juan disarms Humpty Dumpty.

Instead of finishing him off, Don Juan tosses his sword to the ground. Humpty Dumpty laughs.

Don Juan takes a few steps forward and jabs Humpty Dumpty in the face twice. Then Humpty Dumpty throws a pair of hooks which Don Juan avoids and counters with a solid right cross to the face.

Humpty Dumpty feels his face and feels wetness. He takes a look at his bloody hand, then his face turns mean, real mean.

Humpty Dumpty lunges at Don Juan but Don Juan does a wrestling flip and throws Humpty Dumpty over the wall. Humpty Dumpty falls down, down, and down, all the way down.

Don Juan’s back broke in the process. He reacted naturally, which was a mistake as Humpty Dumpty is the heaviest man in the Kingdom.

Don Juan falls to the ground. He cannot move his legs and starts bleeding from the mouth. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Alicia’s crucifix.

“Now, we can both rest in peace, my love,” he says softly right before he dies.

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“Forgive me Father”

This is Part XII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales red outline humpty Dumpty sits with his legs over the tower’s wall. He throws something over the edge and it falls and falls and falls, all the way to the ground several hundred feet below.

In another room in the castle, Don Juan kneels in prayer. He’s thinking of his dead wife, chasing her as Alicia laughs heartily.

Don Juan thinks of how he used to come from behind her and kiss her on the neck, and she’d turn around and touch him.

He thinks of how they used to walk hand in hand in the snow.

He remembers their wedding, in a beautiful giant Gothic cathedral. How beautiful she looked. How happy she was. He remembers her lovely eyes, staring into them and kissing her lips. Despite over a hundred people cheering them on at their wedding, she was the only one in the world who mattered. She was the only one in the world he saw.

He remembers the search party. His frustration and the others wanting to give up, yet he kept going as they turned back one by one.

Now we see an older Don Juan, a man who lost his passion for life and only wants one thing.

“Forgive me Father,” as his right hand wraps around the crucifix, “for I will sin.”

Part XIII of Humpty Dumpty is here

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Don Juan and the Redhead

This is Part XI. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

“You knew her?”

“Yes. I was her closest friend here. She was like a sister to me.”

The redhead continues. “She made us laugh when we all wanted to cry. But he broke her spirit. He kept saying none of us could make him happy. He took out all his anger on us girls.”

“Please tell me where she is.”

The redhead starts to cry. “She’s not with us anymore.”

“She escaped?”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“You wouldn’t understand. The fakes smiles. The loneliness. The smell. None of us wanted to live any more.”

“Is she-”

“I stole some of his money. Bought poison. I loved her dearly. I loved her so dearly that I…I gave her mine.”

Don Juan puts his head down. He pauses. The redhead doesn’t know what to do. She wants to move forward and touch and console him. But she doesn’t.

“Where is she buried?,” Don Juan softly asks.

“They burned her body. Didn’t even give her a proper burial.”

“Her gold cross?”

“Wait.” She retrieves it, holds onto it, then hands it over to Don Juan. It’s a gold cross with a gold heart pendant. “Here. I’ve been hiding it from him. She was his favorite.”

“Thank you.” Don Juan takes the cross with the pendant, kisses the redhead on the forehead, and leaves the room.

Humpty Dumpty Part XII is here

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“Where did you learn to fight like that?”

This is Part X. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

humpty dumpty opium tales several Lords sit with Don Juan, the winner of the jousting tournament, and with Humpty Dumpty at the head of a large, medieval table. Humpty Dumpty displays his wealth without shame. Gorgeous rugs to hunting trophies to stolen artifacts decorate the castle walls.

Humpty Dumpty completely ignores the joust winner and starts a conversation with Don Juan.

“So, where did you learn to fight like that?,” Humpty Dumpty asks Don Juan.

“The Crusades, Sir.”

“Ah. I too fought in the Crusades. It’s where I earned my great wealth. Funny. I was much slimmer then.”

Humpty Dumpty describes those days in loose details, but reading between the lines, Don Juan ascertains that Humpty Dumpty and his men did less than honorable things to acquire his wealth, and may have done some less than honorable things with women that had the misfortune to cross his path as well.

“So tell me, do you have a wife?,” Humpty Dumpty asks.

“Yes, and we’ll be heading home tomorrow.”

“Do you, like other women?”

“What man doesn’t?”

“I’ll tell you what. My friends with experience and I have all gone our separate ways. Tonight, you choose one of my castle girls. Let her entertain you for the evening. And tomorrow, before you head back, I want to talk to you about an offer within the castle. I could use a man with your skills.”

“Thank you kind Sir. If I find the right woman, we’ll have a nice little talk.”

Humpty Dumpty raises his glass of wine. “To women.”

“To love,” Don Juan toasts.

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A Day at the Tournament

This is Part IX. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales tournament humpty Dumpty has the best seat at the tournament. He sits next to a beautiful but terrified young woman. They sit amongst the Lords and Ladies.

In the other parts of the stands, the peasants really enjoy themselves. Poor, scraggly, sunburned, and missing teeth, they look forward to this day more than any other.

There are two fields, one for jousting and one for sword fighting. Two jousters practice their gallops in one field and in the other, multiple armored men practice their sword swings and footwork.

“What a fight!,” the announcer shouts into a wooden bullhorn looking device. “Next up, we have a former champion versus a stranger. Please welcome back Sir Edward!”

Some of the crowd cheers wildly.

“And visiting all the way from the Kingdom of Castille, please welcome Don Jew-ann!”

“Don Juan,” Don Juan corrects.

“Don Juan!,” the announcer shouts.

The crowd gives a sympathetic clap.

Edward and Don Juan bow to each other and the fight begins. Edward attempts to circle Don Juan, but Don Juan heads straight for him, doing some fancy solo sword work. Edward slices but Don Juan blocks it and immediately pounds him with his sword. Edward falls to the ground within seconds.

Edward’s armor protects him from serious injury. Had Don Juan’s sword been sharpened and Don Juan been in a real fight situation instead of a tournament, it would have been obvious Don Juan would have taken Edward’s life before you could count to five.

“Let’s hear it for Don Juan!”

The crowd roars as they’ve never seen a stranger come in and dominate a previous champion like that. The musicians play Medieval music between fights and Don Juan quickly rises to the top of the board with each fight.

Each fight goes almost exactly the same. Don Juan goes straight for his opponent and either knocks his sword away or knocks him to the ground within seconds.

By the end of the tournament, Don Juan stands on the first place pew, above his second and the third place opponents. A beautiful young Lady awards medals around their necks with Don Juan getting the nicest one. As Don Juan looks into an audience, the crowd goes wild and one enthusiastic fan flashes her breasts.

Continue with Part X of Humpty Dumpty here

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Angelo the Scribe

This is Part VIII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green in those days, things were a lot simpler. However, most people couldn’t read or write.

It wasn’t a sign of stupidity. Rather, wealth.

Angelo wasn’t the smartest kid. But he came from the right family. Thus, he learned to read and write and got a job doing just that.

Now, Angelo sits in his tent writing names of contestants. The wizard appears behind him in a cloud of smoke.

“You forgot one contestant,” the wizard suggests into Angelo’s ear. “Write down Don Juan as a sword fighter.”

Without looking back, Angelo does exactly as the wizard orders.

“Very good boy, Angelo. Now, give Humpty Dumpty the best seat in the spectator’s box. Make sure he watches Don Juan fight.”

Angelo grabs another sheet of parchment that arranges where the Lords and Ladies sit. He scratches out another name in the front row and replaces it with Humpty Dumpty.

“You will forget I came to you tonight.” The wizard disappears in another puff of smoke.

Angelo keeps working as if nothing strange happened.

Part IX of Humpty Dumpty is here

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The Wizard’s Hut

This is Part VII. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green the stranger looks around the hut. From the outside, it didn’t look like much. But from the inside, a little bit more impressive. Still, the stranger expected something a little bit more from a wizard.

“Can you ride?,” the wizard asks the stranger.

“Of course. Very well in fact.”

The wizard counts the money. “It’s not that much. Is that all they managed to gather?”

“They do not have much. Nor do I.”

“Didn’t you make any money while you were out crusading?”

“I am an honest man.”

“Oh, one of those,” the wizard shoots back.

The stranger gives the wizard a strange look.

“We don’t have enough to joust,” the wizard explains. “I cannot get you both armor and a horse. You do have enough for cheap armor. I know a blacksmith. I’ll work my magic to make it look a bit better, but whatever you do, do not take any blows.”

“Why-”

“Because this cheap armor won’t protect you from a strong blow.”

“Oh.”

“But do not fear, my new friend. You have experience. None of these young lads have seen real battle. We land you a good sword and you should make fools of all of them. Now come.”

The wizard leads the stranger into another room. It’s dark, dirty, and full of cobwebs, which reiterates the stranger’s doubts.

He leads the stranger to a cauldron and waves his hand over the water one time. Humpty Dumpty appears sitting in the tower of his castle with his legs over the wall.

“Strange,” the wizard finally says. “He does this a lot nowadays. I don’t know why. He didn’t do this a month ago.”

“He appears to be in deep thought.”

“Oh really. I would have never thought that.”

The stranger gives the wizard another weird look. He’s not used to sarcasm.

“But fear not,” the wizard says. “I know the guy who runs the events. They didn’t breed this guy for intelligence.”

The wizard continues. “I’ll give him a suggestion, a simple charm. I need to give you a name. How about Don Juan? Yes, you look like a Don Juan. I like that. I made it up myself. I’ll tell him you’re a visiting Noble. We clean you up. Shave you. You already got an accent. That’s good. Nobody ever doubts people with accents. They get the babes too. Lucky son of a b-”

“All right! I got an accent and I look like a Noble. Can we please get started on this?”

Keep reading – Humpty Dumpty Part VIII

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A Stranger walks into town

This is Part VI. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

opium tales green a tall, dark stranger walks into the tavern. He stands a head taller than any of the town folk, with a dark brown beard protruding from a thin but strong chin. He sits alone at a table in the back where he can see the entire room.

The bar wench approaches the stranger, puts his hand on his back, and whispers something in his ear.

“Your dinner, and your finest ale, please, my Lady,” he says in an exotic accent.

The bar wench smiles at being called a Lady, and struts with a new found confidence as she disappears into the kitchen.

“It is him,” Nathan whispers to his friend, motioning to the stranger in the back.

“Him?”

“Yes, the man!” Nathan leaves his friend and stumbles over to the stranger’s table. The stranger initially makes a defensive move, but tones down immediately as he realizes this peasant is in no way a threat.

“I am Nathan,” he nervously says as he seats himself. “You’re, you’re looking for a woman.”

“Yes, Nathan,” the stranger replies. “I’m looking for my wife.”

“Our Lord, Sir. Our Lord. He…he steals women. He has your wife. She has brown hair?”

“Yes, Nathan. How did you know?”

“He has her. But…but you will not be able to get-”

“That castle?,” the Stranger asks as he grabs Nathan by the shirt and pulls him close.

“Yes. Yes, Sir. But you can not-”

“I can. Tell me how to get inside.”

“Oh no. He won’t just let a stranger in. You must win his trust.”

Nathan’s friend comes over to the table. “Yes Sir. We can get you inside. Is it true you fought in the Crusades?”

“Yes,” the stranger replies, “but-”

“Then Sir,” Nathan explains, “you…you will be better than-”

“Better than whom?”

Nathan’s friend answers excitingly. “Humpty Dumpty loves the games! He lets the winners dine with him. You win, you dine with him. In his castle.”

“What kind of games?”

“Joust. Or sword fighting. We have them both.” Nathan’s friend pauses. “But you have to be a Noble to play. They don’t let peasants play. They don’t let peasants bear arms.”

“A Noble?”

“No one else knows you. You are tall and clean, like a Noble. You can read too, no?”

“Yes-”

Nathan hands the stranger a coin purse. “This is all we have. We know an old retired magician. He will know what to do.”

“Magician?”

“Well, he’s not a great one. But he knows…he knows a lot of stuff. Please Sir. It’s all we have. All we ask is you kill him after you get your wife back.”

The stranger smiles. “You didn’t even have to ask.”

Click here for Part VII of Humpty Dumpty

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Alicia’s Dance

This is Part V. Part I of Humpty Dumpty is here. A slightly different version of this story was going to be the original pilot of the TV show I was working on in 2006. You can read about that story here.

Opium Tales Humpty Dumpty Alicia enters Humpty Dumpty’s room, wearing a lovely, exotic mostly black outfit. She enters barefoot with a mischievous smile, dancing while Humpty Dumpty lies on his bed.

She throws off a shawl. As his eyes briefly look at the shawl, she drinks the vial like a shot of liquor. She swallows it down quickly and goes back into the dance.

She moves closer to him and peels off her top, revealing her bouncing breasts and continues dancing, staring him in the eyes as she faces him and smiles.

Humpty Dumpty stares lustingly at her full, perfectly shaped breasts, then up directly into her eyes. His heart starts to race, as she is the one he desires the most. She is tall, dark, and thin, yet with perfect curves. A painter’s absolute dream. She’d make a perfect muse.

Alicia smiles once more as she drops her skirt, now completely naked except for a golden bracelet on her left ankle. She hops right onto his bed and collapses dead on him with a smile on her face.

Part VI of Humpty Dumpty continues here