On Free Speech

My name is Mithrindir and I am an Elf. I live in the great state of Nebraska, which is a great state and a fantastic place to raise my elven children.

Well, it was a great place until all these God damn Dwarves started moving in from Colorado.

I am a political activist and currently running for Senate. My political party is Elves First. I love America. But I also value the Elf people above other races, especially above Dwarves who I can’t stand, and Goblins who both us and the Dwarves hate.

And don’t get me started on Orcs. Fuck those stupid savages!

But let’s go back to Dwarves. You need to understand why I don’t like them.

You see, I simply want what’s best for my children. Us Elves are one with nature and live in a balance. We’re a peaceful, healthy, and good looking people.

I like Humans too, but I just don’t want either of my daughters marrying one. That’s not a hate thing. It’s just that Humans have ridiculously short lives and I don’t want either of my daughters to be a widow for a thousand years.

That’s not hate. If you can’t understand that, then it’s you who has the problem.

I’m just a realist.

Now if my daughter wanted to have a fling with a human, I get it. They’re neat. They’re interesting. Just don’t marry one.

But Dwarves though, I hate their fucking beards. Their women are ugly. And they destroy shit.

Look what they did to Middle Earth. They’re so fucking greedy that they dug tunnels to find their stupid gold and opened up the first layer of Hell, releasing Balrog. Who knows what else they released too?

Thank God for our dear friend Gandalf who cleaned up that mess.

Dwarf women are ugly

Plus, you know me well. You’ve seen my ads on TV.

I’m all about aesthetics.

We all know that Elves are beautiful. Both our men and our women are easy on the eyes.

But dwarves? You can’t even tell the men from the women because the women also have beards. Yuck!

Plus, they drink way too much. And you’ve all seen dwarves get kicked out of bars. They always make a scene.

“It’s because I’m a dwarf!”

No, it’s because you’re being an asshole.

Do you really want to bring that into your neighborhood?

Now, some people have been calling my campaign a hate campaign. But is it really? Is it really hate to value your state, your property, your community, and your families?

I’m just raising awareness. And I want to make it harder for them to move here. I’m not talking about hurting anybody.

Where the line is drawn for Free Speech

Nothing Mithrindir said violates Free Speech. You may not like it. You may even find it offensive. But he never once crossed the line.

What crosses the line?

Four things:


You are not allowed to slander anyone. You can call dwarves ugly. You can say they drink too much and make a scene at bars.

You cannot however specifically call out a dwarf and accuse him of something he didn’t do. That, my friends, is slander.

For instance, you cannot say that Gigan Brownfoot sells crack to schoolkids if it’s a complete lie. That’s slander. That’s ruining his good name.

For fun, look up famous slander cases. I’m not a lawyer but I do know a few.

Physical threat

You also cannot go onto Gigan Brownfoot’s property and threaten to shoot him. If you do, he has the Right to defend himself.

And I hear that Gigan is pretty good with a bow, especially for a Dwarf.

Copyright violation

Gigan writes some damn good poetry. I know you don’t like Dwarves that much because you told me you’ll be voting for Mithrindir. But you got to admit that Gigan’s poetry is pretty good.

Now, what you cannot do is take one of his poems and claim you wrote it, then include it in a book of your poetry and sell it. That’s copyright violation and he can sue you. And he’ll win.

Invasion of Privacy

I know you and Gigan don’t get along.

You’re free to say you hate his guts. You can even say you hate him, his family, his kids, and even his dog. That’s bad taste, but it’s still Free Speech.

You cannot however publish his credit card info and where his kids go to school. That’s violating his privacy.

That’s why companies have to disclose those long ass privacy statements. They have to tell you what they do with your information. Or else you can sue them and you’ll win.

Everything else

Everything else, my friends is Free Speech and protected by the First Amendment.

I’ve still even heard arguments on both sides of the crying fire in crowded theaters*. Once again, I’m not a lawyer so you might want to consult with a lawyer the legality of that. Of course, don’t do it! A kid might get trampled and killed. Yes, not joking. So don’t do it!

We have obligations to do the right thing.

That said, I’m really weary of the anti-Free Speech people. That’s why I wrote this article.

It disgusts me that art gets censored. They even recently censored Dr. Seuss.

I’m not happy about that at all.

Keep in mind, you can hate stuff. If it’s on TV, turn the channel. If it’s a book, don’t buy it.

But the whole cancel culture thing bothers me big time. Censorship is unamerican.

  • I’m not sure on this issue. If anyone knows a court case, please by all means say it.
Categorized as Rants


  1. It’s cool, Mithrindir. I’ll just chill with the Hobbits at the Shire, smoking pipe weed and eating good food.

    1. Mithrindir is neutral about hobbits. He emailed me to say that their kids can play with his kids. They just won’t be able to keep up though.

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